Elven Rock Star
May 28, 2021
Beloved Star of Worlds, I cannot think of any journey that means more to me than the journey of identity, of remembering who I am. I remember as I finally wrote Silver wheel, after years of gathering words, beautiful as a thousand fiery butterflies, but untranslatable into a true book that would mean anything to anyone else ~ I finally challenged myself to pen the true wisdom of the codex of remembrance, to own that I COULD. I realised that I didn’t really believe I ever would, I always placed it JUST beyond my own reach, and this kept me circling, always preparing towards it. This post that I am writing now has similarly presented over and over again for at least the last two years, and I have spiralled around and around, and I would love now finally to write. It’s because it’s so personal, and that has never really been my intention or desire with writing, to tell my own story. I was always shown that Silver Wheel was the vast Codex of the People ~ it is our Voice, echoing with a remembrance that goes beyond myself. I am a part of it, but like each one, it calls me into its centre, to vanish into its silver light, and emerge as…… myself.
In 2015, upon completion of writing Silver Wheel in the US, I was guided to come back to Avalon to ‘Awaken the Golden Elven Heart’. I know now that this is my own heart. It’s paradoxical, but I had to write Silver Wheel first ~ it is the prophecy, the code, that called me to earth, and allowed me to arrive as myself. I do not think there could have been any other way, any other condition, but to write this first. It was my own future, my own starlight self, and I think so too of many others.
The last few years have been the most beautiful and harrowing, absolutely heartbreaking and powerful of all. To return as myself, as I have held the ceremonies of the Silver Wheel in Avalon, Wales, South Africa, the Pyrenees, as I have danced and drummed with starlight kindred, walked and laughed, witnessed vast veils of forgetfulness lift, the rising of Elven Citadels, the re-weaving of inter-galactic paths ~ this has been the shortest mile, and the farthest to cross, as it is has summoned me to truly exist.
To go back in time a little, I wrote Silver Wheel under the name of ‘Elen Tompkins’, that was my married name. My husband, this most beautiful man, who gave me his name, I loved very deeply indeed. He was a fierce and beautiful mystic who said to me over and over, ‘You have something to share, something to teach’, and challenged me to strip away every belief, principle, light and shadow between myself and Source. I clung for a long time to wanting to teach Reiki, Shamanism ~ the beautiful vehicles that had brought me to remembrance ~ but so extraordinarily ~ he saw there was something else, that was more real for me. Silver Wheel existed in a carpet bag, a vast magical manuscript of moons and Elven, that I felt lost at what to do with. And yet part of me did, enough to appreciate his fierce courage. He was singing to a part of my soul that knew I hold the codex of all that I am to share WITHIN. And that nothing else would ever truly make me whole, or alive, or walk this earth as myself, or make the difference I am here to make. Nothing but this Star of Love, that exists as a pure celestial pulse, for no reason other than Love alone, nothing else would ever do.
Thanks to him, I wrote and wrote and wrote. He never wavered in his faith and confidence. It is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. Yet, what has been hardest to reconcile, is that the very journey that he helped me upon, has been the journey that carried me away from him.
In 2017, I made a trip to Lapland to kayak in the wilderness and meet with the Reindeer. There, in that place, I remembered completely WHO I AM. Every tree I touched whispered echoes of direct remembrance, flashes of images ~ as a child in a hat of Reindeer fur, as a young shamaness, undergoing her initiations. I KNEW the waters, I knew how to kayak swift over the lake. It was overwhelming, and so direct. I had travelled continents already, and received so much remembrance, but it was the Remembrance of the People, of our Greater Journey, the Great Story of Lemuria, of the Elves, of the Starlight Kindred. This memory was absolutely and directly my own individual record, the one that was a bridge to all that came before, a golden bridge between this time we walk in now, and the Elven and Inter-galactic Ages of Before.
Far in the forest, after many days of kayaking and camping, we came to the place of Vision Quest. A place where we quested through the night in solitude, alone in the forest. In this place of far prayer, my calling was this, how to come into full and true alignment with the White Reindeer Cloak, etched with its silvery Elven sigils and glyphs, that I saw suspended in the heart of my circle, that symbolised my own role in carrying the Elven teachings. I knew that I wanted to exist heart and soul in integrity and alignment with this calling. I knew that a part of me held back still, that it felt overwhelming, the responsibility. I prayed and I asked what was needed.
I was shown that long long night how I had hidden layers and layers of pain and disappointment with my marriage. I had ‘transcended’ them, seeing them as the natural trials of such commitment, yet had concealed from myself how much it all hurt. I saw the Grandmothers come into my circle, and with knives of white fire, they bought about the most fiercely loving cleansing, cutting away every illusion I had woven. It was only in the very early hours of the morning, having wept a thousand tears as I walked and walked, that I felt ready to come to centre, to don the cloak.
Even with all that had passed, I never conceived of this as the end of my marriage. I thought of it as a great clearing, and I wanted heart and soul to hold on.
Yet on return to England, as soon as we spoke with one another, I knew that is was over. I knew that I could not adapt again.
And so began the long process that has been separation, divorce, losing my child to another continent, and legal custody court proceedings. This has been my ceremony of Return, and what I would never have conceived of walking through before, I must own now as a heartbreaking and beautiful journey of becoming.
I have always longed for integrity ~ to be within, and privately, 100% what I share through my work. I never guessed that this was the way it would happen, but I embrace that it has been so with all of my heart. It has carried me beyond separation in ways that nothing else has ever done. I have discovered in governments and lawyers depths of kindness and human spirit that have filled me with respect and appreciation. I have discovered being supported by the Universe, even in circumstances that looked so the reverse. I have travelled through the searing depths of what it means to have someone you have adored and respected, be someone you deeply hurt. To still love someone profoundly, and to feel their hatred and rage and wish of destruction, and know it is because you have touched the deepest possible pain in their being. To not fall apart with the self-hatred and guilt that can come, neither to ever demonise the other, but to continue feeling it all with your heart 100%, and to keep believing in both of you no matter what. To lose the feeling of my child in my arms, and to weather the storms of grief that come in like all-engulfing tidal waves, without drowning completely. Asking, and Always asking, to come alive to the deepest Reality, Love and Truth through all, for everything to come Home. To learn to go beyond separation from my little one, to feeling him with me multi-dimensionally in every moment, to know that we shall be together again, and that all is well.
Who am I as all of this comes to pass? It leaves me this, I would say ~ as simply myself.
It is impossible any longer to wish for anything else.
In Nepal, years ago, my husband asked what name I would publish with. We both heard a name, and he spoke it, ‘Elen Elenna’. I decided it was too beautiful, that I could not live up to it, and I chose to take his name instead. When I came back to Avalon, the land spoke to me over and over ‘become Elen Elenna’, ‘this is who you are for the earth, for Avalon, walk the earth as her, be her here’. Through the process of divorce, of all of this, I have finally realised that to stand to one side of my power and beauty and destiny serves no-one. In fact, the ways that I have done so, I must humbly acknowledge have been the ways I have most hurt those I love.
I wanted to write and tell you this. The title for the post kept coming ‘What’s in a name?’
I wanted to tell you what happened, and to honour the beautiful man whose inspiration helped write the Silver Wheel, who is the most incredible father to my son. This feels so important.
I also wanted to write this, because although my heart’s deepest calling is to share the Elven and Galactic visions of the Dawn, I am as stunned and in wonder at the lives that this forges right here. I couldn’t bear to seem one of those people floating along without such initiations, such a life ~ that creates a myth that we set over ourselves. I know my role is as a visionary, to summon the future that is arriving on the starlight, and this is a Beyond that is uplifting, expansive, but I would never wish it to be at the expense of who you are, and who I am, right here now. SO perfect, SO beautiful, QUIRKY, MYSTERIOUS, TOTALLY UNIQUE!!!
I don’t think we need to share every shadow, it is our truths with ourselves that are so important. Yet sometimes maybe think our story is too ‘ugly’, or are frightened by it, and think that we are failing. I want so much to say that we NEVER EVER ARE, and that ALL OF THIS is so very very precious
And what about the Jacket???!!!! I really wanted to share this!!! Wellllllll, it’s been a vision, or a truth bubbling in my soul, that in all the quiet and magical recesses of my self-expression, so too there is an Elven Rock Star…..!!!!
These twin facets will ever dance in their own idiosyncratic harmonic ~ but I am not a Fading Starlight Elf, walking to the Grey Havens, not just yet!!! I have found my life, my soul, my vision, and I want to be present, to be real, to be here… in all this timelessness there is something so totally rock n-roll, relevant, we are sooooo of the Now!!!
Aho, my beautiful starlight companions, thankyou for listening!